Infatuated

Step One: Meet her

The office has pods of swivel chairs and computers cramped in a room. You accidentally knock over the pen holder, and all the pens sprinkle on the floor. Someone giggles. She sits directly behind you in the office and calls you butterfingers. Chuckle for some reason, collect the pens, and sit back in your swivel chair. You look back, but she is already facing her computer screen. You find it hard to awe at her hair because there are others in the office. Your coworker asks just what the hell you are looking at. You quickly say there’s a fly in the room, but it’s gone now as you laugh nervously. Don’t make the staring seem obvious, so angle your computer monitor to get the reflection of the back of her head. You realize how creepy you must look. Maybe fix your posture for when she accidentally looks at you or asks you a question. If she does wind up asking you for something, pretend to not have heard her the first time because you had on earphones playing Runaway by Kanye West on repeat. Get her to tap on your shoulders before finally acknowledging her.

Step Two: Stop daydreaming

Just because you like her doesn’t mean you should think about how many kids you two are about to have. And don’t name them. You named them, didn’t you? Well, at least don’t undress her in your mind, sicko. She’s a lady with a weird personality that for some reason attracts you. Maybe it’s how she randomly starts fist pumping when she hears rap music. No, it’s the Russian accent she claims she can do, but you sit there secretly cringing whenever she does it. Then again, you find it fascinating when she wears articles of clothes with snow on them because she says if you dress like snow, then it will snow. Maybe it’s the fact that her weirdness makes you feel normal, as if there is someone weirder than you in the world that actually wants to lay her head on your shoulder when she is sleepy. You leave yourself in that awkward position of wanting to move, but not having to wake that face. God, she looks beautiful with all those little blemishes that look like small countries. A tiny Paraguay is on her left cheek, and oh look, Latvia is on her chin. You can’t help but stare at her nose, and all you want to do is poke it. Nudge her a little to see if she is actually awake. She refuses to get up because she is too comfortable to move from that very spot. Lean in closer to her head to figure out what kind of shampoo she has on. Sniff sniff. Lilacs. Think about the way she rubs her eyes when she finally wakes up. Think about the snort she releases after joking around too much. Think about how quickly she covers her mouth because she is embarrassed by her snort. Think about– Damn it, what did we just talk about, stop daydreaming!

Step Three: Say little things to her

Say “Hi.” Say “Morning.” Say “Do you mind editing my work?” After you say those little things, test her with your weirdness. Maybe the fact that you think pumpernickel is a funny word to say is too weird. Maybe she can’t handle being around you because you have something against traffic signs, specifically the yield signs. Maybe just pretend to be someone else. Yeah, be that someone else, forget about testing your weirdness. Say something cool and nonchalant. You accidentally say “Cows go moo, but only sometimes.” Mentally smack your forehead because of what you said, but keep your cool and own up to the fact that you just said cows go moo, but only sometimes. She tilts her head a little too far to the right, wondering why you just said cows go moo, everyone knows cows go moo. Explain yourself, dig yourself out of this predicament. Say “It’s a common misconception that cows only go moo. Cows can grunt, too.” She laughs, you made her laugh, she actually laughed.

Step Four: Say bigger things to her

You told your roommates about your crush. They know you never had a girlfriend before and believe you won’t get anywhere with her if you only say hi. You realize they were right, so you suck in all the words they spill. Your roommates are throwing a Halloween party this Saturday, so they want you to invite her. They say when you are at work, say medium things to work up to the bigger things. Ask her about her day. She says it’s going well. Ask her about what she is going to do for the rest of her day. She says she will do some light reading on The Catcher in the Rye. Ask her how she feels about the book so far. She rapidly claps and suggests it to you. Nod your head in agreement. Tell her thanks for suggesting the book, and then ask her about her plans this weekend. She says that she is going to a party that her friends told her about, that she can’t wait to go and enjoy herself, and that she is dressing up as Audrey Hepburn. Sigh in disbelief. Sigh because you were just about to ask her to your party. Maybe you should ask her anyways. You try popping in the ques– she asks if you watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s before. She interrupts you and says sorry to you and asks you to repeat what you were about to say. Sigh. Sigh and instead of inviting her to your party, you say that you were just about to ask her what Breakfast at Tiffany’s is. She sighs in disbelief. She can’t believe you haven’t seen that movie. You can’t believe it either. As she goes on about the movie, your mind tortures you by replaying what just happened. Her lips are moving, but the world has no audio for the moment because you’re stuck wondering why you chickened out.

Step Five: Enjoy the moments

She isn’t going to show up to your party, so what? You’re going to have a kick ass party because your roommates only throw one party a year, and it goes down on Halloween. You and your roommates decide to dress as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s the first time you actually dressed up for Halloween since elementary because your mom barely had enough to buy milk for cereal, so it was either costumes or dry cereal. You think about her, then you stop and think of something else. Maybe there is another girl there with an obsession with baby turtles, and she’s just in luck because you’re a turtle for the night. Maybe you find a dude that can do celebrity impressions because you secretly wanted to be on Saturday Night Live, but can’t do impressions. Maybe you just enjoy the few days you have with your roommates before you all split ways from graduating early, job hunting, or finding the way into the music business. Your roommates gave you a home when you had none. You were about to sleep in your green 2003 Mitsubishi Montero Sport because you didn’t plan on finding an actual stable home to live in before you quit your first job. Their old roommate left his mattress to them because he got engaged, so you sleep in the living room with an old sex stained mattress. At least you have a bed and roof. You enjoy being around them because they all know how annoying it is to play basketball on a double rimmed hoop. Just enjoy it even though you’re not with the girl.

Step Six: Leave it up to luck

We all know how you are with random strangers, and how you will rather lick car batteries than say hi to people. Prepare yourself with all the early arrivals that your roommates invited. Pour some of the jungle juice that you all pitched in to make and chug it. Invite people you know, so you have an excuse to give a weak wave to someone. When your friends come through the door, you introduce them to your roommates and your roommates’ girlfriends. Have your guests think you are somewhat popular by playing beer pong with total strangers. Your roommate’s coworkers from Pizza Hut show up first, then your roommates’ basketball friends, then the whole party gets there. You are just Michelangelo staring at the crushed Rolling Rock cans on the floor. You can see how turtles are endangered. Your roommates point to the window in your kitchen. You turn to see your crush standing in between the kitchen island and the window, which she will always refer to as her window. You adjust your turtle shell and walk to her. You notice your friend Robert talking to her like they were friends. You ask him how long he has known her. He says he just met her and winks. You turn to her and hope she doesn’t fall for this guy. She says she can’t believe you’re here and asks why. You say that everyone dressed as a turtle lives in the house. You talk about the random things at the party. You talk about the guy who dressed up as “when life gives you lemons,” and you both bring up the dumb joke you made about your secret lemon pound cake recipe. You talk about the purity ring she has on one hand while the other is being compared to your hand. You whisper about Robert, and how he wanted to kiss her at the party. Think to yourself about how you should have never invited Robert because he keeps cockblocking you all night. He is there with you two, but with all the things you and she were talking about, he just stands there by himself. Better luck next time, Robert.

Step Seven: Edit and revise and repeat

You wake up in the living room with the taste of Rolling Rock and scrambled eggs in your mouth. Oh yeah, there’s a stain on the wall and couch with your name on it, so you better clean that up. Remember to google how to clean up vomit on carpet. Anyways, one of your roommates recalls your crush taking your copy of Space Jam with her. You say that she has never seen that movie before even though her mom was into basketball. You tell your roommate that you let her borrow the movie. He tells you that you knew she never watched the movie before, and instead of bringing up the idea of watching the movie together, you send her away with it. You just now realize you’re stupid. You think about how she might bring another boy to her room to watch Space Jam with her head on that other boy’s shoulder. When you go back to work, you’re waiting and praying that she hasn’t watched it yet, so you can ask her to watch it on her bed where you two have to be close together. She walks in with a jolly stride, sits down at the table behind you, and clocks in. You turn your swivel chair to her. You ask her how the movie was. She gasps. She forgot to watch it. You say it’s a crime against nature that you leave the greatest movie ever unwatched. She apologizes. You sort of forgive her. You now want to watch Space Jam, but your copy is on her shelf with all the books she started and will never finish. You never buck up. You just tease her with having bad parents for not letting her watch Space Jam. You say it’s practically child abuse. You never buck up, so you say to yourself that you will ask to watch it with her tomorrow. This cycle repeats itself for almost two weeks. Every day is another joke about lemons or bad parenting from you. Every day is another apology from her because she keeps forgetting to watch Space Jam. Every day is another day you are biting your lip because you are too afraid of asking to watch the damn movie with her. What happened to edit and revise?

Step Eight: Practice

Your roommates ask you where your crush is. You say she is overcrowded with flowers from other boys. Your roommates all dogpile on your bed, and dry hump your mattress because they think it’s funny. As they are mid-dry humping, they want to know why you haven’t gotten her number yet. You say you have to know where the fire extinguisher is in the office just in case you crash and burn. They all slowly shake their heads and say you are going to be alone forever. They say it isn’t hard just to say the words “Can I have your number?” They say practice on them, and they pretend to be your crush. You stare at the wall where you puked to avoid eye contact and say it’s a stupid idea. They promise to stop dry humping your mattress for the rest of the week if you just do it. They’re lying, it’s going to be four tops. You say fine, and you all pretend to be in your office at the kitchen island. They all take turns pretending to be her. You have bar stools as the swivel chairs and sit back to back with each other. You mutter “Can I have your number?” They ask if you just had a stroke or something because no real words came from your mouth. You mutter in a louder pitch “Can I have your number?” They pretend to be her and reject you in a girl’s voice. You say this is stupid again, cannonball onto your bed, and hide your face under all your blankets. They say again that you are going to be alone forever. You pause. While you are gripping your pillow tighter, you think maybe they’re right.

Step Nine: Deal with jealousy

You plan to risk it for the biscuit, so you devise a plan to ask her out. When she comes into work, think of ways to ask her out. Make a stick figure flip-book on a brick of sticky notes asking her to take a walk with you at the park where you swear you saw a merry-go-round. Throw a paper airplane at her that says “Dinner?” with yes and no checkboxes. Maybe you just be up-front with her and talk to her like a normal person. Nah, the paper airplane sounds like a better idea anyway. As you fold up the paper in half, you hear her laugh. In the corner of your eye, you see your coworker Julian talking to her. They both take up photography, so he naturally pulls out his camera lenses that he paid too much for to her. He says something about 100mm. She says something about DSLR. You have no idea what any of this means, so you just slouch on the swivel chair. As you continue to fold the paper airplane and write up the checkboxes, you wait for a pause in their conversation where you can bud in. The conversation segues to her mentioning how she makes the best mac n’ cheese. He says prove it. They make arrangements to eat mac n’ cheese one day, so you crumple up the paper airplane you made under your desk. You decide to Facebook stalk Julian and hopefully see that he is in a relationship already, so that you have some sort of relief. With any luck, you might find that he is taken, and so their plans are just two friends eating mac n’ cheese at her place on the coffee table that she rarely uses. You aggressively click the mouse, but you see nothing on his Facebook. She laughs again. You turn to see Julian leaning closer to her, and vice versa. You stare at the clock in the back of the room to see how much more of this you can take before you realize that she might be going home with him. You uncrumple the paper airplane, grab a pen, and check the box for no.

Step Ten: Ignore her

You say you don’t have a chance, so what’s the point in trying. When you are at work just look at your screen, and only your screen. Don’t turn around, don’t let your mouth move what so ever, don’t even cough. Hold it and turn red if need be. She enters the office an hour later than you, but you keep on typing. You have your earphones on, you turn up the volume of your music, and you just sway your head to the river of the lyrics that pass through your ears. She asks what you are listening to. You pretend you didn’t hear her. She notices your earphones, and signals to you to take them off. You do so, but ask if she actually needs your help. She says no. You say you have actual work to finish before you clock out today. She asks what you are working on that you can’t answer her ques– you plug your earphones back in and pretend to type up words. She notices you are just button smashing because the words on your screen are hfusodfo osd iishhf sof-rnsv ao;f. You continually get up from your swivel chair for any reason. You get up to use the bathroom only to wash your hands and get mad at the automatic paper towel dispenser for spewing out two inches of paper. You get up to fill up your water bottle at the water fountain even though it’s still full from the last time you filled it up, so the bottle overfills and spills on the floor. You get up to make a long distance phone call to an important client, but you actually sit in the stairwell trying to call your dad who you haven’t seen in years and he never answers. You try everything to just get her out of your head.

Step Eleven: Things happen

You sleep on the couch for a couple days because it’s too hard to make your bed. You stare up to the slanted ceiling, count all the holes you and your roommates made with darts, and try connecting the holes with an imaginary marker. You are obviously bored, but the couch is warm from your body and it feels wrong to move. Your phone buzzes. It’s her. She said she found you on Facebook, and said she is going to watch Space Jam right now. You say finally, it only took her a bajillion years. She said lol, and she can’t wait to play it on her laptop. She jokingly said too bad you aren’t here. You jokingly said why don’t you invite me. You can’t believe you just sent that to her, and hope she gets that you are joking. She replies. She said it’s only fitting for you to watch it with her and sends her address to you. You. You. You sit up straight on the couch because you can’t believe what just happened. One of your roommates asks if you want to go get some dinner at McDonald’s. You say you have to go watch Space Jam. He says how because she still hasn’t returned your movie yet. He pauses. His mouth goes into shock. He points to the door. You grab the car keys off the kitchen island, and run because things happen.