Third Term’s a Charm
Apparently, I was able to drink spoiled milk in the morning without puking. I didn’t realize it was spoiled until my roommate took a whiff of it and noticed a chunk floating around. He asked me what I was thinking when I chugged a good bit of it. Told him I stayed up until four in the morning listening to ABBA and now, I only have their songs stuck in my head.
Belly button itched, so I itched it. Felt something metallic other than the usual lint that lied in the cavern of the belly button. Poked at my belly button for a good five minutes. It didn’t come out. Figured that if it was metallic, then a magnet would be able to suck it right out. The magnet got stuck too.
Clearly, the dog needed to see what was going on in the toilet when I started to take a piss. She stuck her head a little too far in and I straight up bathed her in urine. Damn it, Paprika! Picked her up and swung her little head under the sink. Massaged her black fur with water and hoped the smell wouldn’t stick. Used hand soap to make sure the smell wouldn’t stick. Make sure to read the label because I accidentally used pomade. At least the smell was gone, and the dog looked beautiful.
Diary entry 53: I wondered how to make a bomb and googled it. Not trying to bomb anything. Just curious. Then, I remembered my old friend Caleb telling me that the government watches google searches with specific entries a.k.a. the one I just did now with the googling of bomb-making. Erased my search history, but still curious. I asked my roommate to borrow his laptop. I could bail him out. Hopefully.
Every now and then, I added food coloring to things in my fridge. It was funny to see orange juice that wasn’t orange. It felt like false advertisement.
Forgot what I had to do this morning, so I kept enjoying my cereal. My roommate walked in. Asked me if I took a day off work. WORK! I leaped from the couch and Lucky Charms sprayed all over the floor. I yelled out Zamboni and slurped the milk off the carpet because we have a rule in this household. If you spilled your beer, then you had to drink the spillage. We applied the rule to everything else for fun. In this case, it wasn’t fun. I was just late for work. Paprika helped too.
Good Golly, Miss Molly. I wished I knew more Mollys (Mollies?), so I could say this more.
Hummed ABBA at work. My coworker Jessica told me to stop. I told her there was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando, they were shining there for you and me, for liberty, Fernando. My coworker rolled her eyes.
I had a meeting with my boss about coming in late. She said this was my fifth infraction and was sick and tired of me blaming General Mills for producing such great cereals as my excuse every time. She said to look her in the eyes and tell her one good reason why I shouldn’t be fired. We sat there in silence.
Jelly donuts didn’t taste the same when you just got fired. I even dipped it in the complimentary coffee that the bakery gave out. Not the same. If you learned anything from my mistake, it would be to not eat jelly donuts after you get fired.
Kicked over Paprika’s water bowl. Irritated, I yelled at her. Told her how she could be so stupid for leaving out her shit. Paprika wagged her tail and began to lick the spilled water. I exhaled, said Zamboni in shame, and helped her.
Liked every photo I came by on Facebook cause maybe that would cheer me up. All I saw were happy couples and baby pictures and DIY videos. All of them from my sister. Went back to unlike them and used the angry emoji instead. Fuck you, Sally.
Managed to get out of bed the next day. Not really managed. My roommate pulled the blankets from underneath me. I successfully wrapped myself in a cocoon. He said you should maybe successfully look for a job because I couldn’t live like this for the rest of my life. Psh, what did he know? I yawned as I took a gander through job listings on my laptop. I got distracted and looked for any job offerings for magicians. Sadly, there weren’t any.
Newborns are weird. Sally came over as soon as she heard the news. Said nothing cured a sad person faster than smelling a baby. She insisted on me smelling my nephew, Jeremy. I smelled him at least 20 times. She just kept insisting. I got her to stop when I pretended to drop Jeremy. I heard Paprika yelping from the bathroom. Sally didn’t want Jeremy getting fleas. I asked if we could let the two meet for just five minutes, I even suggested that I would hold Paprika the entire time. Sally gave in. As I held Paprika by the collar, Sally knelt so Jeremy could see Paprika. It was cute until Jeremy turned red like a tomato. Jeremy was allergic to dogs. At least he didn’t get fleas.
Over on fifth, Sally got me an interview with her husband as a temp. It would only be for a few weeks until I found an actual job. Philip asked me who I voted for in the recent elections. Not sure where he was getting at, but I said Obama. He got mad and said to be serious. I was. I wanted Obama for a third term and wrote him in. Philip had American everything. Pens, ties, handkerchiefs, and even cufflinks. Overly proud to be an American, you knew who he voted for. He reluctantly gave me the job since we family and all. Told me to vote seriously next time, and we shook hands on it. I will seriously vote for Obama this time. I lied to Philip, I forgot to vote in general.
Please send this to blah blah blah. Philip got me working as an office assistant. Said it suited me better. All people did was ask me to fax things. I still didn’t know what Philip’s company did. Something about chairs.
Quaker oats were my new thing. I adulted and bought adulty cereal instead of Lucky Charms. I ate them at my desk. People whispered things about me. They even stared. I was known as the guy who voted Obama for a third term. They really hated the idea of Obama in the office. I bought a little Obama bobblehead for my desk and even made a tiny flag for him to hold that read “Third Term’s a Charm.”
Republicans are just bad carpenters if you think about it. All they yell out is wall here and wall there and we ain’t paying for this wall over yonder. What about the layout, the foundation, or the roof? Silly Republicans. Learn to build.
Slumped over on my desk, I played with my gum wrapper and acted as I was on the phone with a potential client asking to set up a meeting (Oh, I found out the company was an advertising agency). That way no one would bother me because I was reeling in the work.
Twelve minutes. Only twelve minutes Philip said. He had to let me go because I missed a little too many phone calls from clients. Apparently, the little green light meant someone was waiting. Philip asked me who I was on the phone with for twelve minutes. Sally, I was talking to Sally. She didn’t go out much since having Jeremy, so she liked knowing what went on in the real world. Even though he didn’t seem to like me, he didn’t want me to go out like this. Thought I could potentially move up in the company. He said I could leave when everyone else did, so no one would suspect a thing that day. Thought I needed some dignity. Thanks, Philip.
Unjaded by being let go, I went back to the bakery. I learned from my mistake. I got a maple bar this time. As I came out of Viola’s bakery, I stood on the sidewalk and looked up to the clouds. And then I had an epiphany.
Viola’s was near a store for toddlers, and I wanted to buy something for Jeremy. All Sally and Philip did was help and I took it for granted. Sally and I grew up doing puzzles, and even though Jeremy was almost one, didn’t mean he could miss all the fun. I bought him those giant foam puzzles that were safe for kids. I laid them on the floor of his nursery and watched him roll around the floor.
Watched Netflix for hours on my couch with Paprika nuzzled in my arm since I had nothing else to do. In awe, my roommate was getting tired of my ability to be fired so easily. Me too.
Xerox machine broke down as I was making copies of my resume. Well, I thought it did. A lady came over, pressed a button, and the machine started up again. She called me an idiot as she coughed into her elbow.
Yellow-throated Warblers caught my attention while I was looking for jobs. Two of them perched on the windowsill and acted all carefree. Lucky them. I wiggled my finger at them as if I were able to pet them.
“Zero chance in hell,” said Sally. I applied a couple of weeks ago for AmeriCorps, and they commissioned me over in Arizona. She cried and wanted me to stay here and asked who would babysit Jeremy and punched my shoulder. I just had to leave and explore a little. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and maybe this drastic move could help. I smelled Jeremy one last time, hugged Sally, and saluted Philip. Not sure why I saluted him. It felt needed.