Poor Little Orphan was performed before a live audience on
Monday Night Live in the IO Theater.
It killed at the table read. It went “okay” (add shrugging emoji) on stage.
1. EXT. STREET- DAY
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY and LITTLE MISS SALLY walk into the scene carrying a mic stand and a boombox. Poor Little Orphan Boy sets up the mic stand and connects it to the boombox, while Little Miss Sally pulls out a cassette tape from her pocket and puts it in the boombox. A couple in love walk by, but stop to stare at the kids.
MAN
Aw, they're putting on a show. Aren't
they just the cutest?
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
How cute?
Woman walks next to Poor Little Orphan Boy, and starts to pinch his cheeks.
WOMAN
So cute that it makes us want to take
you home with us!
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
PROMISE!?
The couple looks at each other, laugh, and begin to slap their knees while the kids just blankly stare at them and each other.
WOMAN
No, it was a joke, like my husband's
E.D. problem.
Poor Little Orphan Boy looks at the ground defeated after hearing she doesn't really want him, then looks back up.
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
Oh, but what if I persuade you. Hit it
Sally.
Little Miss Sally kicks the boombox. As the music starts up, she starts air punching.
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
(sing this in the tune of Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi)
I'm just a boy with no parents
When it's Christmas I get no presents
They say not being adopted is all in
my head
But it's probably because I still wet
the bed.
I'm just an orphan boy
My parents said see ya later boy
I wasn't good enough for them
Poor Little Orphan Boy stops singing as he drifts into an eternal pit of sadness and vigorously starts to frown. Little Miss Sally walks up to Poor Little Orphan Boy and smacks him on the head.
LITTLE MISS SALLY
Suck it up Poor Little Orphan Boy! As
your manager, I can't get any parents
to adopt you if you don't finish
songs.
WOMAN
Wait, your name is Poor Little Orphan
Boy? Don't you have a real name?
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
No, my real parents left me at birth
in a Burger King's play pin. And when
I mean "at birth", I mean that the
play pin had to be cleaned afterward.
But even after being cleaned, the
whole joint had to be shut down.
As Poor Little Orphan Boy is finishing his sentence, the kids don't notice that the couple has been slowly walking away. When the kids finally look up, they shrug in disappointment.
LITTLE MISS SALLY
Ugh, what did I say about writing sad songs?
No one likes a sad mucky boy.
Now, get ready, I see an old lady
coming up to us now.
An OLD LADY comes into the scene with her walker.
OLD LADY
Oh my, are you going to do some stand
up?
The kids look at each other in confusion.
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
No, I don't do that anymore. My
material just makes people sad.
OLD LADY
Oh, bah humbug, I don't believe you.
Tell me a joke now.
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
Okay, um, how many orphans does it
take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero, we
have to live in the dark because all
the employees at the power plant got
rabies.
Poor Little Orphan Boy vigorously starts to frown. As Poor Little Orphan Boy is being sad, the Old Lady is appalled by the joke and walks away.
LITTLE MISS SALLY
Great, see what you did. Now, cheer
up, we have one more chance with this
guy coming up.
A BUSINESSMAN walks into the scene and he looks thrilled to see a show.
BUSINESSMAN
Wow, are you two putting up a show?
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
No, I'm trying to be adopted. Maybe my
song will persuade you. Hit it, Sally.
Poor Little Orphan Boy winks at the Business Man, while Little Miss Sally kicks the boombox. As the music starts up, she starts air punching.
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
(sing this in the tune of Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like a Woman)
The thing no one tells you about being
an orphan
Is the constant pain of never feeling
love...love love love
Oh oh oh so come and adopt me, change
my whole lifey
I got tube socks, smallpox
Oh oh oh do the adoption, you're my
last option
Come be my dad, make me not sad
Oh oh oh I want a new home, just
please take me home
Man, I feel like an orphan
Poor Little Orphan Boy stops singing and vigorously starts to frown.
BUSINESSMAN
Wow, that's great! I'll adopt you!
POOR LITTLE ORPHAN BOY
Really!
BUSINESSMAN
Oh, not you, your manager. She seems
like a real hard worker.
Little Miss Sally jumps in joy and the two of them leave the shot, as Poor Little Orphan Boy is left alone, vigorously frowning.
(CUT TO BLACK)